I thought a little departure might be in order, but not much of one because I’ll still tie this into writing.

One of the things that I find absolutely hilarious are things that you won’t see on this blog. It’s a behind the scenes kind of deal, which I am sure my fellow bloggers have dealt with. I’m, of course, talking about Spam.

Now, I’m not in the least reserved about following another blogger’s posts, especially when they have had the decency to follow mine. I may not always have time to comment, but I do read as many as I can and juggle them to give these friends a fair shake. However, the out and out spammers do give me a chuckle.

One of the funniest, and most recurring, is the one that promises to help put you at the top of the Google search engine. For a price, naturally, although the initial spam tries to make it sound like a free service. One, it isn’t even changed –except for the post it targets– and thus retains its bad grammar, and syntax mistakes. Two, it assumes I am too stupid to check the search engine myself. Therefore, I always get a giggle when the ‘bot tells me a certain post of mine is low on the Google rankings and it happens to be the third, or fourth title listed on the first page of the search I did.

Hey, for a blog that just started out, and has only had time to pick up a handful of readers, I think that is pretty damn good. I certainly wouldn’t say it is “low on the Google rankings.” Which shows me that they do not actually check those rankings, so how good can they really be at helping you get, or stay there? Can you say, “Con job”, boys and girls? I knew you could. 😉

Others are even funnier, and I actually laugh out loud as I send them into cyber oblivion. Apparently these jokers think that flattery will get their comments approved. Trust me, some of those spam comments have kissed my ass so hard I think I have a hickey or two back there. The funny part is you can tell from the spam that they did not even read the post they are commenting on.

Here’s an example that almost made me riot’s disease, (spew for those of you who are not familiar with the term), coffee all over my new monitor:

“This was a very helpful article. I found it very well written, and it made a good point and helped me a lot.”

So what? Well this particular spam was attached to “The Assassin’s Daughter,” which is a story, not an article. Unless it helped this particular spammer to figure out how to poison a group of ruthless soldiers to save a girl from being fed to a giant, I’d have to say they did not actually read the thing at all. Which, of course made the comment a perfect ROFLMAO.

Another one tried to give me advice on making the title to my blog and post catchier, like they do on Yahoo. The funny part there is, if you read the comments on Yahoo you notice that when they do this more people complain about being misled by the article’s title than anything else. Now, I’m not above self-promotion, and I’ll do nearly anything to gain a readership. I am a writer, after all. But trying to trick my readers with misleading titles, and catchy phrasing that has little to nothing to do with what I’m trying to say is a big NO-NO for me. Besides, Yahoo got where it is with an expensive television advertising campaign, not catchy and misleading titles.

That one was also attached to “The Assassin’s Daughter,” which is one of the few posts of mine to make it to the first page of the Google rankings. So, I guess the title wasn’t so bland after all.

Yes. I put the link to the story in this post twice. I told you I wasn’t above self-promotion. What I will not do is to subject the few legitimate readers I have to Spam. Neither am I going to give “free advertising” to a spammer just for kissing my ass. False ego stroking I do not need. Readers who want to read my posts, or my stories I DO need, and these half-cocked jerks don’t quite qualify. Note that they aren’t even bright enough to make sure what they are talking about.

OK, I need the laughs they provide from time to time. I also still watch The Three Stooges. Judging from the quality of the Spam that gets caught in my filter… I’d say Moe, Larry, and Curly are alive and well. At least in spirit and principal.

And now, to make good my threat to tie this post in to writing. Here’s a bit of advice for all those poor spammers: Most serious writers are smart enough to research what they write about. Although it won’t work with me –because any comment that has a URL attached to the ID, or in the text I automatically delete after my sides quit hurting– try doing a little work and at least research what you are spamming about or to. Maybe then, at least, you won’t look like complete idiots.

Bottom line for all you spammers out there: I didn’t eat the canned stuff, I’m not about to eat the cyber version. But don’t let that stop you from wasting your time. I do like to watch some people make fools of themselves. 😀

Later Gang. 😉